<< rewind ; [#] `-
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Have you ever thought how nice it will be if we have 48 hrs per day, 10 days per week, and 5 weeks per mth? Time is ticking...fast. too fast actually..fast enough not for me to catch up with the things happening.. everything comes and go quickly. i don't have time to do the things i have to do. i din't even have time to react to the things happening around me.
stress is piling up as days goes by. projects suddenly flood my agenda. deadlines linger in my mind. tests, CAs, exams wander in my brain. my brain might just explode any time, any moment.
my uncle just pass away last saturday. he's been fighting this deadly illness for 1yr 7mths - brain tumour. well, damn the tumour.. he undergo umpteen times of brain operations. he's struggling.. trying hard to live on.. worried for his 2 daughters who are still so young.. all of us can see the pain.
everytime i visit him in the hospital, his health is deteriorating, day by day. first time when i visited him, he chatted with me. he's actions and movements are still actively normal. second time, he starts to limp when he walks.. his left/right hand clench tightly, unable to open it.. he practically cant control or move his left/right hand. once, he had a fall. and that fatal fall destined the rest of his days to be on bed, on hospital's bed. he cant walk anymore. infection conquered his operation wound. slowly, he cant even recognise me. he mistook me for his daughter..next sec, he says i'm the nurse...next sec, he says i'm those people who is ashamed of myself as i'm wearing a mask that covers half of my face. well, i've no choice..its the policy there to wear mask, gloves and those suit just to step into the ward to visit him! my heart tears..
the last time i visited him, i didnt talk to him. i just look at him in silence. at that time, he cant even eat - no strength to eat. he's so skinny. too skinny. fleshless and boney. he cant talk - no strength to talk. only his groaning could be heard. he must be in great pain.
and the next thing i know, my mum comes knocking on my door early in the morning and says he has passed away. that exact morning he die, i'm suppose to be in sch for my dvpa ca. i din manage to see him for the last time. by the time i went to the funeral in the evening, he's alr lying in the expensive wooden box..tightly covered.
during the 5 days of wake, i observed everyone there. my heart breaks to see my grandmother so worn out. it suddenly dawned on me that she's old already. she's sad. she cried. the red puffy eyes of hers cant lie. she appear to be strong..but i suspect she crys quietly in the night.
all the brothers and sisters worked so hard for this 5 days. they were all so tired. coming down to the wake everyday, not forgeting they still have to work. one of my uncle got so worn out till his eyes bleed. apparently he tire himself too much till the blood vessels burst and blood flows from his eyes. i'm worried for everyone.
during the 5 days, there's also things which happened that made me very unhappy - ungratefulness. money-minded. ppl who only think abt themselves. ppl who doesnt spare a thought for others. ppl who make big fuss abt small matter. ppl who complicate matters and confuse ppl. ppl who made everyone so irritated. ppl who malign others. ppl who blames innocent ppl. ppl who made ppl cry for no good reason. ppl who just pissed me off. i shant elaborate. but i still want to say: dun anyone dare bully my grandma and make her cry again. dun agitate me. i can be nasty. i dun allow and will not tolerate anyone who is nasty to her. i dun wan her to feel 委屈. i mean it when i say it. mark my words.
exactly one week had passed after my uncle passed away. this morning, my mother knocked on my door and update me with a shocking news once again. my grandma is hospitalised. i think she's too tired. too worn out. too heartbroken. i remr telling her to rest earlier every night. she nods her head. but it's obvious she didn't listen to me. i not sure what happen..the doctors are nt sure too. "wait till the report is out" - that's what doctors always say. i'm very worried. well, shall visit her first thing tml morning.
seriously, i dun trust doctors. sometimes i just hate doctors so much. i mean it, HATE! LOATHE! the first time my uncle undergo brain operation to retrieve the tumour, they open up his skull and put it back without taking any tumour or watsoever out from his brain. they told us "oh, we din expect the tumour to be so deep inside the brain. so we have to operate for the 2nd time" WHAT THE FUCKING HELL. what do u mean by u DIDNT EXPECT IT TO BE SO N SO. ARENT U SUPPOSE TO DO THOROUGH CHECKUPS AND WATEVER THAT'S NEED TO BE DONE BEFORE CUTTING INTO PATIENT'S HEAD!?!?!?!!!!
AND! doctors are always SO SO SO SO FUCKING BUSY that u can hardly talk to him to understand the patient's condition. and they always beat aroud the bush, refusing to tell you detailed-ly and just summarise everything in a sentence or two. they must have excel summary writing in their secondary sch days and aces in writing summary leads. summary leads have all the impt information. the doctors misses the main point everytime.
having so many fustrating things happening, sch isnt much better. projects arent going on well and peacefully. nt only my grp, others too. our class is now shattering. bits and pieces.
i suddenly realise that life is so fragile. we don know what will happen in the next sec. i might be happily crossing the road and a car kissed me goodbye. ok, i shall nt curse myself. but i think we should end the quarrels and dispute. all of us should be grateful that we are granted with a good health. that we're given the chance to love, care and live. when we quarrel, try thinking abt the ppl who are nt given the chance to at least breathe. shouldn't we cherish our lives, family, friends, and everything around us? we might nt know when is the last time you will be seeing them.
i hope everything will turn better. days ahead will be smoother. everyone will be healthier. everyone will be happier...
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11:59 PM
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